in the anime jujutsu kaisen, there’s a scene where a teacher leaves his student in a room with a demon teddy bear. the assignment: the student is supposed to watch horror movies all night while keeping his jujutsu (emotional) energy steady, or else the demon bear will hit him very hard.
i think of that scene all the time. whenever it’s books, fanfic, movies, series—i always get overwhelmed, so i always need to step away. just like i am right now. i’m in the middle of reading a fanfic and it’s getting intense. they’re childhood friends who became lovers…who became quasi-strangers, then friends, and they’re finally going to be lovers again? maybe? but not until one of them breaks off an engagement, survives cancer, and whatever else the author throws at them?
just to be clear, i step away for the good things too. really kilig scenes. delectable smut scenes. intense declarations. by the time i realize that i am overwhelmed, i have already looked away.
anyway. i got overwhelmed again. so i’m here, writing instead.
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in february last year, my boyfriend wanted me to join him and his best friend to catch a screening of evil dead rise. i flat out refused. until i met arby, i had only seen one (1) horror movie in my entire life, and that was only because i wanted to hang out with “the cool kids”. i was 23 years old then.
in the five years that we have been dating, he has persuaded me only four other times. he was gunning for a fifth time. i was strongly against it, especially after seeing the trailer. no! nonononono.
but then he asks: “vicky, do you love cinema?”
“what?! of course i do!”
“well, if you love cinema, then you will watch all cinema, because you will give all of cinema a chance.”
what the hell do you say to that?! i know i tried to find out how to win that argument, but i ended up watching with them anyway.
***
well, it depends how you define “watch.” we went to the screening. okay. earthquake. okay. lights go out. okay. magic demon book. okay. screech! screech! screech! i slowly caved, capitulating unto my hoodie, brought for this exact purpose. i started scrolling furiously through the movie’s wikipedia page to read the plot. intermittently, i would peek out while covering my ears. i tried. i already knew what was going to happen. but it’s the screeching and tension and tenor that rattled my bones. i scrolled to read fanfic instead.
at the end of the movie, my boyfriend asked his friend: “so, kamusta?” how was it? his friend replied. “okay lang. mas na-enjoy ko reactions mo eh,” he said, turning to me.
***
the demon bear hits the main character not only when he gets more scared—he hits him when he gets too sleepy, too excited, too bored, or even too interested. because that means that he is either overfeeding or underfeeding the demon bear with his energy. it should always be a steady stream.
this anime, is shounen, which targets young boys. it prizes a stoic approach to life. one should always be evenly keeled, steady, nonchalant.
unfortunately (?), i am full of the chalants. if i had a bitcoin for every chalant, i could have been a hundred millionaire had i cashed in last 2021. when the lord decided to bequeath the world of chalants (apparently a real word), of sensitivity, i was right there, mouth wide open.
i’m a gasper, a crier, a laugher across all fronts: painting, music, literature, films, series, advertisements, dog videos, anything. i’ve always felt so deeply. i’m volatile and reactive and that, to me, was indulging life, living life freely and fully.
***
“but it’s not real,” was one of arby’s counter-arguments when i told him that i didn’t want to watch evil dead rise. i know, i said. but it still doesn’t matter, why would i pay to be scared? “because you love cinema!”
***
the thing is, looking back, arby subjecting me to horror movies (and all types of movies, really) did help rekindle my love of cinema. maybe love it even more than i ever had. as of april 12, i’ve recorded 28 films in my letterboxd diary, which is already the most i’ve ever logged in a year. and we are only 15 weeks in the year, so I’m averaging roughly two films a week. there was one weekend where i watched five films in the cinema, and walked away very happy and very energized, which i didn’t expect. i was in such a good mood the monday after, it surprised even my colleagues.
***
when i turned 26, arby gave me one of his favorite books: the first impulse, by laurel fantauzzo. it’s an investigation on the tragic deaths of film critic couple alexis tioseco and nika bohinc, who were murdered in their home in cubao in 2009. in the first essay included in the book1, alexis writes to his beloved nika:
Because one of the greatest joys I believe one can feel is to share that which they find beautiful with someone who otherwise wouldn’t have noticed it, and to see it appreciated.
when arby asked me whether i loved cinema or not, what he was asking was for me to look towards what he loves. before i met him, i had such low tolerance for films where things “actually happened.” i avoided tragic films, detective series, violent films, any films, really, unless they were vetted by film critics or university professors. in short, i avoided most films. it’s no surprise that later on, my sense of curiosity not just with films, but with series, with music, with life, slowly ebbed away.
when arby and i started dating, we were still in our mid-twenties. i was still a raw nerve walking. even then, he wouldn’t let me look away. not in front of a film, and not in real life.
in the same essay, alexis tioseco writes:
the first impulse is always one of love.
and when you love, you look. the first impulse cannot be to look away.
movies2 i still think about since i watched them last Q1 2024:
aka movies for people with the emotional tolerance of an ant (i’m working on it!)
in the mood for love (wong kar wai, 2000)
in the past i’ve always swung between “feeling sheepish for liking wong kar wai” and “alam mo i really don’t get it.” until i saw in the mood for love on the big screen last march. hooooooly shit. that film is supposed to be seen on the big screen. i didn’t realize i missed so many details? the slippers? the bag? the comically high necks in maggie cheung’s qipaos? the role playing? them falling in love slowly? not realizing when lines were already being blurred? blink and you miss it. any editor working with wong kar wai is a saint, but this is especially divine editing from william chang.3 mmm! i’d watch this again in the cinema if i could, i was in such a high after.
the age of innocence (1993)
number one: hello, daniel day lewis?! number two: i love that this movie sticks out like a sore thumb in scorsese’s (vast, vast!) filmography. he has called his adaptation of the edith wharton novel his “most violent film.” in terms of movies that have changed my life, this is an early nominee for 2024. it’s made me reticent, withholding, careful—all in ways i prefer, especially in my 30s. thanks, marty.
perfect days (2023)
when i finished watching it, i thought it was a cute little slice of life, with its routines, slivers of sunlight, funky music, incessant toilet scrubbing. it even has that guaranteed internet-favorite screenshot-ability and quotability. it really is so lovely.
but then weeks after we watched arby said: “i don’t think he was all that happy, actually…” and i’ve been turning that film all around my head like a rubik’s cube ever since.
please please everyone should read this essay
i realize that a lot of my life changing watches this 2024 were series—the kdramas my liberation notes and because this is my first life; the anime shows blue eye samurai and attack on titan; the much-maligned true detective: night country; and the series baby reindeer (controversial)
It would be remiss to note that what I ended up seeing on the big screen is the restored version of in the mood for love, which has received criticism before for being reframed and recolored.